Woof. So this week has been hard. I was feeling good after being in the house for four days and was itching to get out. We went out all dayTuesday, having a great time being missionaries when I realized that night I couldn’t walk. oops. The next day I couldn’t move around the apartment without crazy pain and so I called Sister Mains without any clue as to what I should do. I got in to see a different doctor the next morning and it went a little something like this:
Dr: Can you stop being volunteer until you are better, a few months only
Sis B: cannot
Dr: Can you stay inside for three weeks, no walking anywhere and doing physical therapy?
Dr: Can you do admin? Three months admin?
B: cannot. have to walk around all day. should be biking but cannot, so have to walk
Dr: No admin? Don’t have?
B: don’t have
Dr: Well you cannot be out all day for a long while better, or else you will not get better
And then I freaked out. So. As of right now, I’m on house arrest until the Mission President decides what to do with me. Luckily, he’s the most inspired person I’ve ever met, so I know that whatever he tells me to do is what is best. But four days not knowing your fate as a missionary is enough to make you crazy. No news is good news though right? So I’ve been fasting and praying like crazy to try and figure out what I should do.
I’m thinking Heavenly Father just really loves me a lot and is giving me an opportunity to show my faith. So he has to give me weaknesses, Ether 12:27 style. I was joking with Sister LeBaron this week saying that I’m already too emotionally damaged that God had to weaken me physically to get my attention. But I think it might actually be the opposite, I feel like I have a better hold on my anxiety than I ever have in my whole life, purely because of the Atonement. I think this situation is just another way I can grow. I’ve been looking for an answer in the scriptures and all I can find is God telling his children to have more faith, He makes weak things strong. Can.
He won’t take all our problems away, he will strengthen us so we can bear up our burdens with ease. We all need a load to carry. They are all different and they help us each individually to rely on the merits and grace of the Savior. Right now, I guess I need broken legs to have more faith.
It’s hard though. Because part of my brain says “serve with your heart, might, mind and strength. you can come home from your mission on a stretcher in a year” and the other part of my brain says “um i cannot walk”
Ether 12 was the answer to all my hearts anxiety. The Lord GIVES us weaknesses that we might come unto Him. Verse 27 is the best ever obviously, but after a morning or two of studying and studying and feeling so inadequate and having the most irrational panic attacks…I literally cannot go out and be a missionary, how am I supposed to do this, what if my companion hates me because we’re stuck inside all day, what if they send me home, what if I get reassigned somewhere else, what if my knees never get better because I stayed out here when I should have gone home and taken care of it, what if I die alone with my cats, OUT OF CONTROL over here.
But then verse 29 came along and said:
And I, Moroni, having heard these words, was comforted.
Everything was fine. I was so calm and at peace and it was crazy how it happened. Heavenly Father makes weak things strong. He gives us loads to carry because it’s part of the plan of happiness. We don’t have to carry them alone. Through the Atonement, we can receive strength and capacity to bear our burdens better than we ever could alone. The Savior suffered for our sins and iniquities but also for every physical pain, weakness, shortcoming, fears, frustrations, disappointments, regrets, everything. There is nothing we will ever go through that the Savior has not already gone through for us. He perfectly understands and knows how to help us because He carried our load first. He already suffered for my knees. Kasihan Dia, it hurts like nothing else. But He knows how to heal us and He will heal us if we have faith in Him and are humble. He will help us bear up our burdens with ease. Why? Because He loves us. Why? I have no idea. What did I ever do to deserve that? nothing. It blows my mind.
Anyway. I’m taking it a day at a time. Whatever happens, is what God wants to happen for my life. If they send me home, that’s what is supposed to happen. If I’m supposed to struggle through it here, also can. We all get resurrected bodies anyway right?
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak then I am strong
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
love you all.